volo

sometimes i wonder why things happen in life. maybe it's a part of our destiny and the truth of its purpose is just hidden from us. maybe there is no "fated" reason for certain events in our lives but the justification comes from some previous action that we did and now we are either punished or pleasured by its outcome.

my life must be under the influence of the latter interpretation but with one minor adjustment: my actions, no matter what they are, seem to always end adversely. maybe it's a curse. maybe it's.....nope nothing else can explain it. i'm definitely cursed.

maybe that's it. it's not a fact of whether some event has a reason or not, but whether the person, whose life is affected by the event, is cursed. it's no fun to be cursed by life, to find no joy in anything that you do, even when there is plenty of things going on that you should be ecstatic about. and why should you be ecstatic, since sooner or later, whatever joy derived from that one occasion will only mean utter misery in the next one.

and yet there is still one thing, one single contrivance that allows someone so cursed in life to push forward. the obvious choice would be hope. hope in the future for a time when one action doesn't cause misfortune later on. hope in the possibility that something so unrealistic may actually come true.

but hope just gives us the false notion that at some predetermined time, everything in our lives will be okay and better than they are now. but it never happens. our lives never get better. they may change and appear different than what they used to look like, but underneath it all, we are still cursed. once we realize that hope has failed us, we tend to die a little more on the inside.

we can pretend as much as we want that life is better and happy and satisfying. but it never truly is. it is always missing something. that one thing that would fix it, that would change it for the better and would make hope not a liar anymore. my mom believes (as do others) that this missing piece is god and religion. doctors who like to over medicate the american population tend to believe that there is some kind of chemical imbalance that medication (primarily anti-depressants) can fix.

i don't know what i want to believe. maybe this missing piece in our lives is fixed when we fall in love. some random person, with whom we fall in love, brings it with them and shares the missing piece with us, making us whole again. but what does this leave for the loveless? that they will constantly feel less than whole and remain cursed in life until love finds them or until they find love? what if we have written love out of our story, let love go? does that mean that we will never gain fulfillment? somehow this seems all too likely.

what if this missing piece is broken or doesn't even exist. maybe we are meant to wander through life, searching for that missing piece in every aspect of what we do...

or the missing piece may not be missing at all. we may only perceive it to be gone but it's really there. the best way i can think of describing it is a quote from the character tohru honda of "fruits basket":

"the part of a person that's remarkable is like the umeboshi on the back of a rice ball. all around the world, there are different colors, shapes, and flavors, but because it's stuck to the back, they might not be able to see their precious umeboshi. 'i'm not special,' each one would think, 'just plain ole rice.' even though that's not true, and there is an umeboshi on the back. the reason people get jealous of one another is because they can see the umeboshi on other people's backs. even now, someone might be feeling envious of something you don't recognize in yourself."

reliqua vita

life. my life. lately i've been thinking about the direction its headed in and whether it is where i want to go. how do i know whether the choices i have made so far were the right ones or whether they have all been for nothing?

i feel like i'm trapped in a dark room with no way out, no way to know whether i am moving forward or falling backwards. i know that there are walls, because i am bounded to the limited occupancy of that room, but while i am in the middle of the room it feels as if the floor could disappear from beneath me. i don't know how i got into this room or why i am stuck in it, but that's my present situation with which i must cope. i am isolated, afraid. sometimes unmotivated and hopeless. no matter what i do, i don't make a difference. i can't change anything. i know that there is something more, something beyond the walls that is unexpected and new. but, somehow i have lost myself inside this dark, lonely room.

is it all in me? is it my self-made mental barriers that inhibit me from moving forward? obviously this is the case. i am my own worst enemy and the only one that can break me free of this disagreeable existence.

it's raining outside and yet as the earth is renewed, i am not. have i tried hard enough? have i truly done the best that i could? or could there have been more somewhere?

find me the door so that i can walk out of this eternal nightmare....

enucleatus

i've decided that i need to live my life more simply.

if you keep on looking at all the details in your life, things start to get fuzzy on how you want them to proceed and all that happens is that you get upset at your own analysis of things. if we stick to the bigger picture, the already fuzzy qualitative response, then there is nothing to let us down or break our spirit. sometimes this won't be enough to suffice us, but if we had more we would just be unhappy. i think that the important aspect of living simply is to avoid unhappiness by having less in general. if we don't have something or we don't know about its existence, then we are happy in our poor ignorance.

think back to the times that you were truly happy. for me it was definitely when i was younger and innocent to the cruelty of our world. as i grew up, the more angry and unhappy i felt. i feel disconnected with that younger version of myself. i don't think that any of this is a coincidence. if we learn to live more simple lives then possibly we could find our selves closer to this child-like state of mind. we could find joy hidden in the smallest endeavors. we could see that our lives are not bound by the things we own. that the only restraints our lives hold onto are the ones that we place on them. we can learn to let life move at its own pace and that it doesn't matter if you happened to make a mistake along the way. there is no alternate path we could take. we are given one life and that's all we have. we can think about all the "maybes" and "what ifs" that we can handle, but if you really were able to turn back time, you would end up doing the same thing. i mean you have already done it once. what's to prevent you from doing it again if you repeated the same event over again? nothing. we are creatures of habit. thus we can't actually have alternate routes of our life once we have already chosen a path at the crossroads.

if we stick with the complex lifestyle full of details and quantities, we become unbalanced and overwhelmed by the excessiveness of the solution. we need to break it up, just to live it. we have our academic life, our social life, and our personal life categorized in order to make life manageable. however controlled it may seem, one or more of the categories will suffer moreso than just one of them. we become unbalanced, asymmetric creatures that can't focus on a point as the world spins out of control.


we learn that we must simply live above all else..

ad nauseam

do you ever get to that point in your life where you are sick of the way everything is going? you wished that you had gone to more parties and lived up more of a social life or studied harder for a class and tried to push the limits of your mind. well you can get annoyed at thinking about the "could haves" as well. just thinking of "what could that have been like" and "i wonder how that moment could have been different if i had only done this instead", makes one cringe with displeasure after a plethora of them have flood her brain on a daily basis. you can't go back in time and change the supposed "mistakes" of your life. they are permanent wounds on our life's history. you can't remove them; you must live with them.

you have finally reached that point in your life where you are still sick of the predictability but you are sick of wondering whether or not you could have fixed it and made it any better. you don't want to think about how you can change the progression of your life; you just want it to happen on its own. it is so unrealistic for this to take place. life isn't going to stray from its predictable, little niche if it doesn't have to. one has to stimulate it to change its pace and direction.

it seems easier to just stick with the life and path that you have. it's easier to think that if life truly was meant to change for you, that it would happen and you would have to adapt to it while accepting its legitimacy. what happens if you change your own life prematurely before you had learned all that there is to know from it. then you are still left to wonder what it would be like if you didn't change your ways.

there is no clear cut solution to any problem that deals with life and living life. every problem is so complex that you don't know whether it has a solution to find. and as everyone knows complex analysis has a real part and an imaginary part. a solution to a complex problem can not be fully complete unless it has both parts.

i wish i could be that complete.

ante moto

sometimes it is just better for us to move on. we must pull ourselves out of the stationary moments of life that we get stuck in. everything in the world is moving on around us as we stay put. at some point we have to rejoin the motion. if we try to avoid its pull, we get drag around unwillingly or we get left behind. we can not dawdle in these matters. our lives get put on hold listening to elevator music as we decide whether or not we want to push ahead into the unknown.

right now it might be scary, thinking about how to move on. you know that it will be better once you do, but you don't want to leave behind the moment. you don't want to give up the hope, the dream, the unobtainable. sometimes we aren't that strong and we can't accept that what we have isn't real. we want to feel that our desires can be acquired. they can't. what we thought we had must end even when it didn't have a beginning. it isn't healthy to dwell in moments that will never exist outside of our mind's fantastical world. but how do we separate from this false world when it has been the only thing we have known? we can't exactly. i know. it all sounds contradictory. but what happens when we move on? we will still carry with us the wounds and sorrows of the past, of that moment in time. it can't be erased. but that doesn't mean that we can't figure out how to manipulate it until that moment can not affect us anymore. we become its master and we take back control of the moment.

but how can we take control of something that holds onto us so tightly as it is? there is no easy answer to this. maybe there will be some big revelation that will shock your system into giving up such nonexistent possibilities of the world. once this has been released, we control the situation again and we take back our lives. but if we don't get this shock to our world, then maybe we will just decide on our own that our lives will be better off without the hastle of these moments in time. that it wasn't our fault in the first place that this moment was not successful at all.

what ever happens, we will eventually climb out of this hole we have dug for ourselves. no longer are we pacing back and forth waiting for the decisions of others to determine what we do with ourselves. we determine our own path. we chose what happens to our story. we decide on where our lives carry us.

maybe we made mistakes as well. the basic fact is that none of it matters to anyone but us. we are here. we must not strive for dead lives. what was done can not be changed by all the wishing in the world..

all we need to remember is to keep moving forward.

non sufficit

identify your problem.
categorize by level of difficulty.
confront it.
resolve to a solution.
change previous methods.
adapt yourself.
repeat when necessary.

this process is said to be necessary to solve any problem one might have in life. we use it all the time consciously or subconsciously. sometimes it’s not enough. sometimes more is needed. why can't we leave problems or moments of difficulty/weakness that we have already tried to tackle lie in the past? why must we always drag them to the forefront so they can be constant reminders of failure? we live in denial and our delusional states to cope with this failure. fantasy becomes better than reality to us and we would rather choose the fantasy. it's not that we don't know the truth. of course we do since we have already tackled the problem. but instead of moving on, we rationalize it to fit the way we want the world to be. we fall farther into that something unnatural that will and can never be. this human coping factor destroys our own sense of what it means to be human. all we see is this new other world that is not true, that can never exist.
 

we use these processes all the time. think of descartes and his four point method. divide problems into parts. rank with level of difficulty. take copious enumerations. don't take anything as true unless you know it to be evidently so. this last part is what gets many of us into trouble. we don't believe that something is true unless we see it for ourselves. we may believe to know the truth to the core of our very soul based on just instinct and emotion, but unless we have hard proof or eye witness the event ourselves, we fall back on rationalization to cope with the loss of ourselves. we don't want to live in the world where we are not enough to fill the solution to the problem, where we can't have all that we want. we don't want a world we can't shape and control ourselves.

i am not bound by anything but my own mind. but my mind is a prison within itself. i am trapped with its emotions and dreams that will inevitably never be. no matter how much prayer one does, what wasn't meant to happen can not be brought into existence by pure will alone. even when we have nothing else to lose, we wait....and hope.

it is almost as if we compare flying versus falling:
when we fly, we obtain freedom.
when we fall, we are constrained by gravity.
when one falls , it happens mostly by choice.
a human can not fly alone in this world while alive.
hence it must follow that falling precedes flying, because existence precedes nonexistence.

there is nothing we can do to change this. we can die trying, but it doesn't have to take that much to see the truth of the matter.

i have fallen so far, i can not see my way back to you.......

delustro

why do we feel empty without love? why do we yearn to have something that can not always be given? especially from people who don't think we exist or who don't care at all? there has always been, to some degree, an emptiness filling in every space within ourselves. some who can't find love try to cope with it by filling themselves with substitutes that are not as good as the real thing. others close themselves from the world and lock their hearts in steel boxes, burying the key far into the ground where no one may reach it. why must the loveless succumb to such measures to satisfy the craving for love? where did this desperate search begin? why does it make us want to cry all night wondering when the world will go away and leave us alone? but the emptiness never answers. it looms over everything and beakons the heart to grow cold and small, while the soul tries to help it survive. seeing him have fun with her. watching friends bloom in new love. listening to others tell you that it is really not worth the trouble. "it doesn't matter, this 'being in love' feeling. it won't make you truly happy." yea, right. those that spout these words are already in love. they can dismiss it just as easily because they have it and don't have to worry about losing it. we who have never had the pleasure, of having someone love us of their own free will, will never know the complete serenity of the state of fulfillment. someone said "if we don't ever feel the beauty of love, then we will never need to feel the sorrows of loss." but isn't it our decision to take this risk? wouldn't we be glad to take the chance that maybe we could find the other half of ourselves and be completely enriched? who makes this decision already for us? who commanded that we live in complete and utter desperation?

it's not fair.