reliqua vita

life. my life. lately i've been thinking about the direction its headed in and whether it is where i want to go. how do i know whether the choices i have made so far were the right ones or whether they have all been for nothing?

i feel like i'm trapped in a dark room with no way out, no way to know whether i am moving forward or falling backwards. i know that there are walls, because i am bounded to the limited occupancy of that room, but while i am in the middle of the room it feels as if the floor could disappear from beneath me. i don't know how i got into this room or why i am stuck in it, but that's my present situation with which i must cope. i am isolated, afraid. sometimes unmotivated and hopeless. no matter what i do, i don't make a difference. i can't change anything. i know that there is something more, something beyond the walls that is unexpected and new. but, somehow i have lost myself inside this dark, lonely room.

is it all in me? is it my self-made mental barriers that inhibit me from moving forward? obviously this is the case. i am my own worst enemy and the only one that can break me free of this disagreeable existence.

it's raining outside and yet as the earth is renewed, i am not. have i tried hard enough? have i truly done the best that i could? or could there have been more somewhere?

find me the door so that i can walk out of this eternal nightmare....