ad nauseam

do you ever get to that point in your life where you are sick of the way everything is going? you wished that you had gone to more parties and lived up more of a social life or studied harder for a class and tried to push the limits of your mind. well you can get annoyed at thinking about the "could haves" as well. just thinking of "what could that have been like" and "i wonder how that moment could have been different if i had only done this instead", makes one cringe with displeasure after a plethora of them have flood her brain on a daily basis. you can't go back in time and change the supposed "mistakes" of your life. they are permanent wounds on our life's history. you can't remove them; you must live with them.

you have finally reached that point in your life where you are still sick of the predictability but you are sick of wondering whether or not you could have fixed it and made it any better. you don't want to think about how you can change the progression of your life; you just want it to happen on its own. it is so unrealistic for this to take place. life isn't going to stray from its predictable, little niche if it doesn't have to. one has to stimulate it to change its pace and direction.

it seems easier to just stick with the life and path that you have. it's easier to think that if life truly was meant to change for you, that it would happen and you would have to adapt to it while accepting its legitimacy. what happens if you change your own life prematurely before you had learned all that there is to know from it. then you are still left to wonder what it would be like if you didn't change your ways.

there is no clear cut solution to any problem that deals with life and living life. every problem is so complex that you don't know whether it has a solution to find. and as everyone knows complex analysis has a real part and an imaginary part. a solution to a complex problem can not be fully complete unless it has both parts.

i wish i could be that complete.