aeternitas

how well they fell asleep!
like some grand river, widening toward the sea,
quietly and grandly, silently and deep
life joined eternity.
[s.t. coleridge]

non sum ibi

do not stand at my grave and weep..
i am not there. i do not sleep.
i am a thousand winds that blow,
i am the diamond glints on snow.
i am the sunlight on ripened grain,
i am the gentle autumn rain.
when you awake in the morning's hush
i am the swift uplifting rush
of quiet birds in circled flight.
i am the soft star-shine at night.
do not stand at my grave and cry..
i am not there. i did not die.
[mary frye]

muneris

Christ has no body now but yours
no hands, no feet on earth but yours
                                 [St Teresa of Avila]

spes

what distinguishes human beings from animals? at first it would seem as if there is no difference. humans fight with each other. they desire satisfaction of carnal needs and depend on natural instincts to survive. the human being on the physical side of things does look pretty much like an animal.

what about the intellectual side? humans learn from their mistakes. they question their world. yet these are all things that animals have been seen to exhibit as well. just look at any of the PETA videos that study the nature of animals. sure it's biased towards their goals but it is hard to deny the observations within it. i used to think that the difference between animals and humans was that we ask 'why'. why do we exist? why do things work as they do? animals don't seem to exhibit these existential ponderings, but we have no way of measuring or quantifying it. we can't understand their language nor can we listen to their thoughts. so it is just a guess. animals seem to just exist and to do whatever it is that they need to exist. they don't seem to stop and question why it is that they do what they do.  but maybe this can be seen in the animal who challenges the alpha male for leadership of the pack. that challenger overthrew the status quo in order to change things as they were. if animals were complacent beings that didn't wonder why, then why would they challenge the status quo? maybe it is all based on carnal needs...

i think that what differentiates humans from animals is hope. we humans hope all the time. we hope for a better life. we hope for love. we hope for happiness. even when a situation begs for no hope at all, we continue to hope against all odds. we hope when we know we shouldn't. we hope that there is meaning to the joy and misery in our lives. we hope that there is something greater than us out there. animals don't hope. they act in order to get what they need.

maybe it's because humans desire more than they should. is it wrong to desire more to life than what we already have? desire is supposed to lead to suffering and to end suffering we need to end desiring. the author of 'buddha's brain' suggests that it is not desire but craving that leads to suffering. and if we take the driving force of craving out of desire, we are left with hope again. hope is what nourishes us and dooms us. but hope is all we have. hope is that small candle burning within us, flickering yet constantly burning. hope is the essense of humanity. it is the breath of the holy spirit within us. it is our guide and our burden.

yet what of the hopeless? i don't think there is such a thing. when someone is hopeless in one particular desire, the hope just diverts itself towards something else. hope can not be killed because it is eternal. it's what gives us life and drives us forward.

esse hominem

what does it mean to be human? we all strive to be happy all the time but that isn't the human experience. we laugh. we cry. we get angry. these are all part of the different facets of the emotional human. humanity is unpredictable yet understandable. it is irrational but logical. it is full of inconsistencies and contradictions. that is life as a human being. we shouldn't ignore one part of our emotional life in favor of another. we need all of it to help us on our journey.

why do we try to avoid sadness and anger and confusion? there is a reason for why we would respond to the stimulus of the world in that way. our basic human instincts are telling us that something needs to change. maybe we need to change, whatever 'change' means in that situation. these negative emotions signal us to tell us that we need to fix something to regain balance. besides, we can not understand what it means to be 'happy' without knowing these negative emotions.

what if that's all we experience? that we fall into a pit of despair so large that we can no longer see the way out? where our only comfort is the sadness and anger that we carried in with us. what will become of us then? it may seem like we are all alone, but if we only look over the edge, outside our pit, we could see that there are many other people in their own pits trying to get out as well. yet, knowing this does not push us out into the world. we are still stuck. we all need someone to take the time to extend a hand into our pit of despair. she risks falling in herself but she takes the risk because she knows that she may pull someone out into the light.  and that small hope is all she needs to put her hand in, yearning for it to be grabbed. it is the same small hope that the person in the pit has when she extends her hand upward.

humans are not isolated creatures. we are social. we need community. we depend on each other for so much of our existence. we can not hide away in our houses wishing to have life when we are only watching it pass us by. we have to dive head first into the world and take whatever we get, whether that may be something good or something bad. it's the gamble we take. life is full of the choices we make and the risks that we take. if we don't do anything then we have nothing.

veritas

the truth is a funny thing. many times we search for it, begging others to whisper it in our ears, but once we hear it, we wish we hadn't. we wish we had left curiosity well enough alone. ignorance could have truly been bliss. however, we live in a broken world with broken people. we can't afford to hold onto ignorance. it will chain us and lock us into a single mindset that won't help us solve the problems we face every day. the only chance we have at surviving this crazy, mixed-up world is to open our minds to the many different thoughts that exist within it, deepening the well from which we can search for an answer.

and search we must. there is a lot of information out there ready to be accessed by anyone willing to listen. yet, many people speak erroneous words, hoping to prey on our fears and weaknesses. we will have to be strong enough to wade through these biases sent to deviate us from our quest for knowledge. we will have to think critically about everything we thought we knew to be true and about every new thought or opinion we come across. we will have to learn what we can hold dear within our hearts and what we must take with a grain of salt. we were not created to blindly follow but to use our brains to ponder. we are truth seekers and the truth is hidden somewhere inside each of us. let us venture forward and reach for that wisdom to discover ourselves.

passus

i went to a talk that explored this idea (or tried to and kind of failed) and i wanted to think it through a bit with words....

one panelist said that suffering came about because of love and free-will. that when we love we make the decision to do so and from this act of free will, when we choose or not choose to love God (turn towards or turn away from), we can either be absent or full of suffering... but this pre-defines suffering to be the absence of God's love in our lives. and suffering exists now because of those few initial humans who decided to turn away from God and the tendency to turn away is written within our genetic code. but also we must "participate in the fall of adam, in order to participate in the salvation of Christ".

so i wonder. if love is the origin of suffering... this seems to go back to the Buddhist ideal that desire is the root of all suffering. what is the one thing we as humans we made to do and want to do with all our being? we want on the deepest of levels to connect with another human. we want that other human being to share with our experiences in this crazy world. we want to be able to connect emotionally, spiritually, sexually, etc. not only with a human but with the same human being over and over again. i think deep down it is because we are trying so desperately to connect with God that it's the only way we know how - by relating to others that look/think like us, that relate the same way. when we try to form these connections with other people, try to represent what we think is subconsciously our connection with God on this earth, we ultimately fail, because we are a corrupt being. we are not God. we were made in His image, but we are incomplete and imperfect. and i think it is in these key points that we put suffering into our lives.

our broken creation full of broken creatures gives birth to and roots suffering in to our world. Buddha was right that desire is the root of all suffering and we are creatures that want to satiate those desires. however where Buddha says that to end suffering we must end desire, i think that although this is a simple solution, it is a solution that will never happen on this broken world. sure, maybe once we are united with our Creator, we can achieve this kind of level of freedom from suffering, but it is our God who will lift the burden from our shoulders. we are not able to do it alone on this world.

we were creatures designed to make connections. loving each other is the only thing that we have in this broken creation that was apart of our original design. that's it. maybe it's definition has been warped but that's because broken love has brought us suffering. we are not able to offer God the kind of perfect love that he can offer us. and that is because we are not God... but we can offer our love to him nonetheless, free will and all that. we are only so capable and God knows that. he knows that we are not perfect and are broken and failing.

another panelist mentioned that in our asking God questions and demanding answers for them, through all that anger, etc. that once the dust settles and we've asked all that we can, we will become closer to God. i believe this with all my heart. God wants us to question him, to challenge him, to try to understand him, all so we can further the idea that it is so important for him to be in/apart of our lives. that we are nothing without him and that we can not do anything without him. we question God in order to try to love him more. the questions we ask are hard ones for us to answer.

i am most certain that when i questioned or even when i was complacent about the existence of God, it was because i needed to stop wandering in the dark trying to search for a light switch that didn't even exist in the first place. once i stopped searching for a light to turn on and i looked around, the room wasn't as dark as i thought it was initially and it actually got lighter. and then i realized that the light filling the room was coming from God within me.

God gives us only so much that we can handle. He doesn't give us any more or any less.

suffering exists. humans can either turn an eye of compassion towards it or turn an eye of complacency away from it (they can say 'oh well, it's not happening to me').

love also exists. we can embrace it and risk everything for a connection with another human that is only a shadow of the greater connection we need to cultivate with God... or we can close our hearts, deny the truth that we know deep within us, and never take a risk...

..or a leap of faith.

ianua

it seems that confusion and deception are the names of the game, with the game being life.

sometimes it looks as if hope is all lost and certain scenarios just don't exist in our reality. it is a sure thing that something will NOT happen. you've resigned your heart to give up all hope and try to start moving on.

but then one single event contradicts everything you tell yourself and then you are sent back to square 1, starting the whole damn cycle over again.

is this just a product of dreaming too much? spending far too many hours thinking about the endless possibilities that the future holds? maybe it's because of the passive response one takes as an approach to life. if we are not the captains of our lives, steering it on course then any strong wind will blow us where it may.

but i don't know whether i want to be the one that closes the door. i like to keep every door of opportunity open just in case. maybe that's a bad thing because it will feed into my delusions about life. i feel like there have been doors that i've accidentally let go of and they can never be opened again. maybe other doors are just temporarily closed, but after awhile you tend to lose track of them and you can't tell the difference between the locked doors and them.

this all sounds so convoluted and ambiguous. i guess that's just how my mind has been operating lately. i have all these questions to ask and no one to ask them to. sometimes i feel like a prisoner amongst my own thoughts.

consilium

every year starts with the good-intentioned "new year's resolution". every year ends with thoughts of how one could have done a better job of accomplishing said resolution, what went wrong, and how to proceed for next year in order to avoid repeating utter failure once more. such a vicious cycle needs a break.

what if, instead, we throw down this malicious game of inevitable lost conquests and actually try instead for some resolve within our selves and our lives? it would seem that most times, this is essentially what our laundry lists of self-alterations are missing. we make resolutions without actually having any resolve to see them finished to the end of days. ironic, hmm?

i guess i am just thinking about this because of all the changes happening around me. with a coinciding new year rolling along at the same time, this could be a way to start over, start fresh. i so want this. i don't want to be stuck in the same old rut that i've been in for the past few months. it's been a cage for my soul, trapping all creativity or passion/drive for living life. i used to hope for a great many things. now i'm just tired of everything.

or maybe i should remember to live the life that was so graciously given to me. i should open my eyes and see the beauty of the world before me. what's so bad about my life? nothing that really matters. why can't i see that? why can't i move past my own insignificance and work towards something that could really matter in the world? it's possible that my own vanity and pride stand in the way, but i really don't think that they are strong enough to sustain any long-lived obstacle in my path towards spiritual enlightenment. who am i to judge this though? all i am is a meager human being looking for her place in the world.

creating resolutions? no. building resolve? yes, but how to do it successfully?

creatio

i went to a physics colloquium a couple of weeks ago and it was entitled, "is the world out of tune?" nothing but this statement has stuck with me from that colloquium. it was a cosmology talk so most of it was probably over my head anyway. but back to the world being out of tune. is it? wouldn't this mere suggestion of the world being tuned demand that there is a great tuner out there? a tuner of such severe brilliance to allow creation itself to exist? no one except God could take this title.

this begs to ask the question: are cosmologists actually theists?

i watched this interesting debate a few nights ago that took place at king's college (nyc) and was broadcasted on book tv. d`souza brought some interesting opinions/thoughts to the table. he tells us that the compassion in this world only exists because of the compassion that Jesus showed us while he was here on earth. the instinctual desire to help a neighbor in need isn't ingrained on our dna, but was ingrained on our souls by the good of Jesus. it makes me wonder how the world existed before Jesus came to repair it. how did the good samaritan survive in a world lacking basic human compassion?

[interrupted thought]

vide caelum

sometimes i find myself looking to the sky. whenever i am wondering about life or concentrating very hard on a thought, i look up.

yes, the observable sky above us is pretty fantastical, but i don't have to be an astronomer (which i am not) nor do i have to know anything about astrophysics (which i don't) to come up with that conclusion. we could look at it from a scientific point of view and analyze all the things happening in the sky, past that, in space, and possibly further beyond. what would be the point in that kind of depth when the sky we look towards isn't one that you can readily visualize? it isn't obtainable like some mere fact. the sky represents much more to us than what we might expect at first glance. in all its vastness, the sky could draw us in much like the ocean draws us in. that "oceanic feeling" freud describes could also be said for the sky. clouds floating by, the smooth transitions between shades of blue, and other observations, beg us to slow our lives down a little and to enjoy our surroundings a bit before everything changes. the metaphysical benefits that the sky holds for us can be endless.

and i am not talking about looking at the sky, seeing a bunny shaped cloud, and then recalling that you lost a bunny as a child therefore the universe must be telling you that you need to reconnect with your child-like innocence once lost so very long ago. that's all nice and prettily packaged, but unfortunately it's not the way i was taking this examination.

there is just something unexplainable about gazing at the sky above that makes us journey back to the past, forwards to the future, and anywhere else that doesn't seem to be the present.

if you gaze too long at the sky, when you look back to the earth, everything is hazy and blurry. your eyes need a few seconds to refocus from what was above to what stands before you.

[interrupted thought]

verba

if we constantly give everything of ourselves in all that we do,
we will never have to face regret.
we must give with no expectations of receiving anything in return.
we must never lose hope, never worry about things we can't control.
we have to learn that letting go doesn't necessarily mean giving up.
we live in today, not yesterday. things happen,
then we move on to the new tomorrow.

above all, we make mistakes, we learn, we grow, we change.

palpebrae

i was just thinking about this phrase, "close your eyes." it really makes no sense. when we close our "eyelids", we are still looking or seeing. we are just focused on the backside of the eyelids.

what if we had no eyelids? we would be constantly watching the world around us. we would never be able to take a break from the pull of life. we would be able to see everything beautiful in life and everything awful in life. we wouldn't be able to turn away from things of which we are afraid or things that we find to be horrific. there would be no curtain pulled over our vision to the atrocities of daily life. we would have to face them head on.

volo

sometimes i wonder why things happen in life. maybe it's a part of our destiny and the truth of its purpose is just hidden from us. maybe there is no "fated" reason for certain events in our lives but the justification comes from some previous action that we did and now we are either punished or pleasured by its outcome.

my life must be under the influence of the latter interpretation but with one minor adjustment: my actions, no matter what they are, seem to always end adversely. maybe it's a curse. maybe it's.....nope nothing else can explain it. i'm definitely cursed.

maybe that's it. it's not a fact of whether some event has a reason or not, but whether the person, whose life is affected by the event, is cursed. it's no fun to be cursed by life, to find no joy in anything that you do, even when there is plenty of things going on that you should be ecstatic about. and why should you be ecstatic, since sooner or later, whatever joy derived from that one occasion will only mean utter misery in the next one.

and yet there is still one thing, one single contrivance that allows someone so cursed in life to push forward. the obvious choice would be hope. hope in the future for a time when one action doesn't cause misfortune later on. hope in the possibility that something so unrealistic may actually come true.

but hope just gives us the false notion that at some predetermined time, everything in our lives will be okay and better than they are now. but it never happens. our lives never get better. they may change and appear different than what they used to look like, but underneath it all, we are still cursed. once we realize that hope has failed us, we tend to die a little more on the inside.

we can pretend as much as we want that life is better and happy and satisfying. but it never truly is. it is always missing something. that one thing that would fix it, that would change it for the better and would make hope not a liar anymore. my mom believes (as do others) that this missing piece is god and religion. doctors who like to over medicate the american population tend to believe that there is some kind of chemical imbalance that medication (primarily anti-depressants) can fix.

i don't know what i want to believe. maybe this missing piece in our lives is fixed when we fall in love. some random person, with whom we fall in love, brings it with them and shares the missing piece with us, making us whole again. but what does this leave for the loveless? that they will constantly feel less than whole and remain cursed in life until love finds them or until they find love? what if we have written love out of our story, let love go? does that mean that we will never gain fulfillment? somehow this seems all too likely.

what if this missing piece is broken or doesn't even exist. maybe we are meant to wander through life, searching for that missing piece in every aspect of what we do...

or the missing piece may not be missing at all. we may only perceive it to be gone but it's really there. the best way i can think of describing it is a quote from the character tohru honda of "fruits basket":

"the part of a person that's remarkable is like the umeboshi on the back of a rice ball. all around the world, there are different colors, shapes, and flavors, but because it's stuck to the back, they might not be able to see their precious umeboshi. 'i'm not special,' each one would think, 'just plain ole rice.' even though that's not true, and there is an umeboshi on the back. the reason people get jealous of one another is because they can see the umeboshi on other people's backs. even now, someone might be feeling envious of something you don't recognize in yourself."

reliqua vita

life. my life. lately i've been thinking about the direction its headed in and whether it is where i want to go. how do i know whether the choices i have made so far were the right ones or whether they have all been for nothing?

i feel like i'm trapped in a dark room with no way out, no way to know whether i am moving forward or falling backwards. i know that there are walls, because i am bounded to the limited occupancy of that room, but while i am in the middle of the room it feels as if the floor could disappear from beneath me. i don't know how i got into this room or why i am stuck in it, but that's my present situation with which i must cope. i am isolated, afraid. sometimes unmotivated and hopeless. no matter what i do, i don't make a difference. i can't change anything. i know that there is something more, something beyond the walls that is unexpected and new. but, somehow i have lost myself inside this dark, lonely room.

is it all in me? is it my self-made mental barriers that inhibit me from moving forward? obviously this is the case. i am my own worst enemy and the only one that can break me free of this disagreeable existence.

it's raining outside and yet as the earth is renewed, i am not. have i tried hard enough? have i truly done the best that i could? or could there have been more somewhere?

find me the door so that i can walk out of this eternal nightmare....

enucleatus

i've decided that i need to live my life more simply.

if you keep on looking at all the details in your life, things start to get fuzzy on how you want them to proceed and all that happens is that you get upset at your own analysis of things. if we stick to the bigger picture, the already fuzzy qualitative response, then there is nothing to let us down or break our spirit. sometimes this won't be enough to suffice us, but if we had more we would just be unhappy. i think that the important aspect of living simply is to avoid unhappiness by having less in general. if we don't have something or we don't know about its existence, then we are happy in our poor ignorance.

think back to the times that you were truly happy. for me it was definitely when i was younger and innocent to the cruelty of our world. as i grew up, the more angry and unhappy i felt. i feel disconnected with that younger version of myself. i don't think that any of this is a coincidence. if we learn to live more simple lives then possibly we could find our selves closer to this child-like state of mind. we could find joy hidden in the smallest endeavors. we could see that our lives are not bound by the things we own. that the only restraints our lives hold onto are the ones that we place on them. we can learn to let life move at its own pace and that it doesn't matter if you happened to make a mistake along the way. there is no alternate path we could take. we are given one life and that's all we have. we can think about all the "maybes" and "what ifs" that we can handle, but if you really were able to turn back time, you would end up doing the same thing. i mean you have already done it once. what's to prevent you from doing it again if you repeated the same event over again? nothing. we are creatures of habit. thus we can't actually have alternate routes of our life once we have already chosen a path at the crossroads.

if we stick with the complex lifestyle full of details and quantities, we become unbalanced and overwhelmed by the excessiveness of the solution. we need to break it up, just to live it. we have our academic life, our social life, and our personal life categorized in order to make life manageable. however controlled it may seem, one or more of the categories will suffer moreso than just one of them. we become unbalanced, asymmetric creatures that can't focus on a point as the world spins out of control.


we learn that we must simply live above all else..

ad nauseam

do you ever get to that point in your life where you are sick of the way everything is going? you wished that you had gone to more parties and lived up more of a social life or studied harder for a class and tried to push the limits of your mind. well you can get annoyed at thinking about the "could haves" as well. just thinking of "what could that have been like" and "i wonder how that moment could have been different if i had only done this instead", makes one cringe with displeasure after a plethora of them have flood her brain on a daily basis. you can't go back in time and change the supposed "mistakes" of your life. they are permanent wounds on our life's history. you can't remove them; you must live with them.

you have finally reached that point in your life where you are still sick of the predictability but you are sick of wondering whether or not you could have fixed it and made it any better. you don't want to think about how you can change the progression of your life; you just want it to happen on its own. it is so unrealistic for this to take place. life isn't going to stray from its predictable, little niche if it doesn't have to. one has to stimulate it to change its pace and direction.

it seems easier to just stick with the life and path that you have. it's easier to think that if life truly was meant to change for you, that it would happen and you would have to adapt to it while accepting its legitimacy. what happens if you change your own life prematurely before you had learned all that there is to know from it. then you are still left to wonder what it would be like if you didn't change your ways.

there is no clear cut solution to any problem that deals with life and living life. every problem is so complex that you don't know whether it has a solution to find. and as everyone knows complex analysis has a real part and an imaginary part. a solution to a complex problem can not be fully complete unless it has both parts.

i wish i could be that complete.

ante moto

sometimes it is just better for us to move on. we must pull ourselves out of the stationary moments of life that we get stuck in. everything in the world is moving on around us as we stay put. at some point we have to rejoin the motion. if we try to avoid its pull, we get drag around unwillingly or we get left behind. we can not dawdle in these matters. our lives get put on hold listening to elevator music as we decide whether or not we want to push ahead into the unknown.

right now it might be scary, thinking about how to move on. you know that it will be better once you do, but you don't want to leave behind the moment. you don't want to give up the hope, the dream, the unobtainable. sometimes we aren't that strong and we can't accept that what we have isn't real. we want to feel that our desires can be acquired. they can't. what we thought we had must end even when it didn't have a beginning. it isn't healthy to dwell in moments that will never exist outside of our mind's fantastical world. but how do we separate from this false world when it has been the only thing we have known? we can't exactly. i know. it all sounds contradictory. but what happens when we move on? we will still carry with us the wounds and sorrows of the past, of that moment in time. it can't be erased. but that doesn't mean that we can't figure out how to manipulate it until that moment can not affect us anymore. we become its master and we take back control of the moment.

but how can we take control of something that holds onto us so tightly as it is? there is no easy answer to this. maybe there will be some big revelation that will shock your system into giving up such nonexistent possibilities of the world. once this has been released, we control the situation again and we take back our lives. but if we don't get this shock to our world, then maybe we will just decide on our own that our lives will be better off without the hastle of these moments in time. that it wasn't our fault in the first place that this moment was not successful at all.

what ever happens, we will eventually climb out of this hole we have dug for ourselves. no longer are we pacing back and forth waiting for the decisions of others to determine what we do with ourselves. we determine our own path. we chose what happens to our story. we decide on where our lives carry us.

maybe we made mistakes as well. the basic fact is that none of it matters to anyone but us. we are here. we must not strive for dead lives. what was done can not be changed by all the wishing in the world..

all we need to remember is to keep moving forward.

non sufficit

identify your problem.
categorize by level of difficulty.
confront it.
resolve to a solution.
change previous methods.
adapt yourself.
repeat when necessary.

this process is said to be necessary to solve any problem one might have in life. we use it all the time consciously or subconsciously. sometimes it’s not enough. sometimes more is needed. why can't we leave problems or moments of difficulty/weakness that we have already tried to tackle lie in the past? why must we always drag them to the forefront so they can be constant reminders of failure? we live in denial and our delusional states to cope with this failure. fantasy becomes better than reality to us and we would rather choose the fantasy. it's not that we don't know the truth. of course we do since we have already tackled the problem. but instead of moving on, we rationalize it to fit the way we want the world to be. we fall farther into that something unnatural that will and can never be. this human coping factor destroys our own sense of what it means to be human. all we see is this new other world that is not true, that can never exist.
 

we use these processes all the time. think of descartes and his four point method. divide problems into parts. rank with level of difficulty. take copious enumerations. don't take anything as true unless you know it to be evidently so. this last part is what gets many of us into trouble. we don't believe that something is true unless we see it for ourselves. we may believe to know the truth to the core of our very soul based on just instinct and emotion, but unless we have hard proof or eye witness the event ourselves, we fall back on rationalization to cope with the loss of ourselves. we don't want to live in the world where we are not enough to fill the solution to the problem, where we can't have all that we want. we don't want a world we can't shape and control ourselves.

i am not bound by anything but my own mind. but my mind is a prison within itself. i am trapped with its emotions and dreams that will inevitably never be. no matter how much prayer one does, what wasn't meant to happen can not be brought into existence by pure will alone. even when we have nothing else to lose, we wait....and hope.

it is almost as if we compare flying versus falling:
when we fly, we obtain freedom.
when we fall, we are constrained by gravity.
when one falls , it happens mostly by choice.
a human can not fly alone in this world while alive.
hence it must follow that falling precedes flying, because existence precedes nonexistence.

there is nothing we can do to change this. we can die trying, but it doesn't have to take that much to see the truth of the matter.

i have fallen so far, i can not see my way back to you.......

delustro

why do we feel empty without love? why do we yearn to have something that can not always be given? especially from people who don't think we exist or who don't care at all? there has always been, to some degree, an emptiness filling in every space within ourselves. some who can't find love try to cope with it by filling themselves with substitutes that are not as good as the real thing. others close themselves from the world and lock their hearts in steel boxes, burying the key far into the ground where no one may reach it. why must the loveless succumb to such measures to satisfy the craving for love? where did this desperate search begin? why does it make us want to cry all night wondering when the world will go away and leave us alone? but the emptiness never answers. it looms over everything and beakons the heart to grow cold and small, while the soul tries to help it survive. seeing him have fun with her. watching friends bloom in new love. listening to others tell you that it is really not worth the trouble. "it doesn't matter, this 'being in love' feeling. it won't make you truly happy." yea, right. those that spout these words are already in love. they can dismiss it just as easily because they have it and don't have to worry about losing it. we who have never had the pleasure, of having someone love us of their own free will, will never know the complete serenity of the state of fulfillment. someone said "if we don't ever feel the beauty of love, then we will never need to feel the sorrows of loss." but isn't it our decision to take this risk? wouldn't we be glad to take the chance that maybe we could find the other half of ourselves and be completely enriched? who makes this decision already for us? who commanded that we live in complete and utter desperation?

it's not fair.